I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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