I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
