Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
