i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
