Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
