census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
