Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
