I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
