i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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