I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
