i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Randomize
