So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
