someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
