I smell stomach acid.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
