Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
