You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Randomize
