I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
