Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
