Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
