Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
barbara walters just said penis...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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