FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
