and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
And then my night got REAL pukey
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
