I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
