Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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