True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
