My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
this beer tastes like vomit already
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
