Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
