The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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