you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
