Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
