my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
