"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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