Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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