I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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