i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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