if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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