**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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