So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
