shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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