Don't make out with my wife yet
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
