Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
