at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
