I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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