I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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