i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
