Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
