So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
