i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
