Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
