1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
this beer tastes like vomit already
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
